Posted: 2017-12-07 11:56
I live in CA and I nervously look over my shoulder like I’m fleeing the mafia every time I leave the house with my Gronk jersey on. I pretend that I’m above other fans and their antics, when really I turn into a feral animal anytime Toooom Braydee completes a pass. Legit feral — this guttural growl and white frat boy fist pump exits my body and it’s like I’m watching myself be a douchebag but I can’t stop it. This is why this year while watching the Super Bowl everyone in the room thought I was a piece of they were right.
I work for a large company and ended up hanging out with a coworker (in a different department) who I eventually had sex with. The kicker, though, is that I’ve never been incredibly into “dating” her. We talked about sex from the beginning and we finally crossed that line. Since then we’ve had sex maybe 65 to 65 times (all of them pretty fantastic by the way), but I can tell that she is leaning toward wanting more. She uses pet names and I don’t. We have only hung out at our apartments—we don’t hang out at work at all—and we’ve never gone on a date. I’ve brought her Starbucks twice… and that’s the extent of it.
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Even though she has said she’s fine with just sex, I feel like she wants more. It’s been over a year since we first started talking and I’m starting to believe she thinks we are more serious than we are. I’ve never been great about breaking up and so I’m curious what this type of situation requires. Can I text her? A phone call? An in-person awkward conversation? I want to be respectful but I also don’t want it to seem more serious than it is. I feel like if I talk to her in person I’m somewhat acknowledging the “commitment” that I’ve never truly felt.
Here’s the deal: if you think he’s flirting, he’s flirting. So, if you’re getting that creeper vibe, that’s enough to say he is. I think he’s flirting and I can’t even see his body language or anything. He calls you by your nickname when you didn’t ask him to, he takes care to notice your appearance—and keep track of it—and he makes comments on said appearence, directly to your face. Plus, the weird note on your quiz. That’s a little inappropriate there, Professor Horndog. But here’s the nail in the coffin: he’s not doing these things to anyone else (or so you say). I mean, if he was, it would still be inappropriate, but it’s obvious he’s shown a specific interest in you, lady. And it sounds like you’re not interested in his version of extra credit.
What has always sucked: Congrats, Patriots fans! You are the official team of the alt-right! They’re all yours. More important, your team is now emblematic of an America that is distorted beyond recognition: a place where people are less revered than the bold and brave companies that maximize delivery and efficiency by phasing out every last trace of humanity and treating people like coal to be shoveled into a furnace. The Patriots can even get NFL players to buy into this shit. Players are like, “Wow, these guys really know how to get the most out of me right before paying me what I’m actually worth!” This team dangled Malcolm Butler all offseason and then decided to keep him in the fold, and of course he’ll still play brilliantly for them because NFL players know that you can either be treated like shit in New England and win, or be treated well elsewhere and lose.
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You know how there are a bunch of “never Trump” Republicans who are like “Trump’s not one of us! I didn’t vote for him!” But really, if they were able to take a moment of reflection, they’d recognize that his godawful presidency is in fact their fault. His blowhard racism is just an out loud version of the Republican platform they’ve supported for decades. The same general process is replicated with us.
The fans are braying fatass shitheels who fancy themselves BLUE COLLAR EVERYMEN and hang on to an insurmountable inferiority complex despite witnessing one of the greatest sports dynasties that will ever exist, and the defining scandal that this team will be remembered for isn’t something kinda badass like Bountygate, but a years-long legal battle over whether or not Brady knew that Bawbee from Quinzee and Jawnee from Reveeah let some air out of some goddamn footballs.
The second option, Not Hot for Teacher, is to tell him that what he’s doing makes you uncomfortable. Don’t make a display out of it. Do it in private during office hours and say, “Mr. Horndog (but actually use his name), it makes me uncomfortable when you use my nickname and make comments about my appearance. I’d appreciate it if you’d stop.” Now, he’ll probably get defensive and say that he didn’t mean anything by what he said, but it doesn’t matter what he meant. Say, “It’s fine, you don’t have to explain. I’d just like you to stop. Thanks.” Remember, you’re not debating his intentions with him, you’re telling him how you feel about it, and as your teacher he needs to respect that—period. He may not be aware that he’s making uncomfortable. While you feel a little harassed, he may think you’re cool with it in his creeper brain. Until you say something, he’ll probably continue.
While the Pats were down 78-8, I told my buddy at a bar that I simply hoped they could reduce the lead so it was not a blow out. As the Pats edged their way back, I continued to drink heavily (beer and Jager). Suddenly they tied it and shit was on. I proceeded to get back to shit talking and ramp it up 65x (I probably said some racist shit, I am not even sure) to the point where my friends were visibly uncomfortable (as my gf told me the following day). When they scored the TD, I stood up on the table and gave two middle fingers to the three different tables (possibly 67 people in total, women included) I had been squawking at all game. It honestly looked like Conor McGregor and the bullshit he pulls in press conferences, except for the fact that I am slightly overweight and nobody finds me intimidating.
I gotta say, a little communication would have gone a long way in this situation. First off, you should absolutely talk to her in person about ending things. How old are you, dude? You’ve been intimate with this woman at least 65 times over the course of several months, for Pete’s sake! And you’ve been friends—FRIENDS—for over a year! I don’t understand why you don’t think that warrants a face-to-face. What, you can only see her in person if it means you get to bang her? Damn, man, have some empathy.
When the Pats won, I logged onto Twitter. I’d been avoiding that site since I had gotten dumped recently and didn’t want to pollute the timeline with depressed bullshit. The first thing I saw was everyone retweeting those goddammed Richard Spencer tweets about him loving the Pats, and that’s why rooting for the Pats sucks, even when they make you happier than you’ve been in weeks, someone’s still just gonna call you a Nazi for rooting for them.
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Tell me EVERY Pats fan doesn’t look exactly like that guy. He’s got it all: the Casey Affleck stubble, the dead eyes. These are the sullen drones who have the perfect temperament to cheer on a humorless monolith of an organization that smothers everything and everyone in cold gray fog. The machine wins. The many suffer for the enrichment of the few. Goody fucking two shoes. I’m gonna get even DRUNKER for this next Super Bowl win of theirs. It’s my only diversion.
Come on man, he sounds EXACTLY like Trump. How is this the same guy? Bill Belichick should fucking HATE the President. The President is a fat, lazy, weak blowhard. How is the greatest football mind in history hoodwinked here? DID HE NOT STUDY THE TAPE? And what business does Bill Belichick, of all people, have complaining about the media? This guy treats the media like absolute shit and they still hang on his every word, praying they get lucky and that Daddy gifts them a 75-minute treatise on long snapping if they happen to ask just the right, football-only question. He’s tamed the media like a dog, and he’s still bitching just because people wanna ask him about the Buttfumble? Man, fuck him blind. The Red Sox learned spying from this man.
Maybe she means it when she says “she’s fine with just sex,” maybe the pet names are because she doesn’t want to say your name (or doesn’t want to mix it up with someone else’s) maybe the fact you’ve never gone on a date or been anywhere but your apartments is exactly what she wanted too maybe the fact that she initiates the texting makes you HER booty call. I’m not saying this is the case, but you’ll never really know until you talk to her about this stuff.
Then, another time in class, I was talking to my friend and asked her to call me by my nickname. He overheard, asking me why I didn’t ask him to do that. I just told him I found no reason to, but ever since then he calls me by my nickname anyway. He also gave us a quiz and one of the questions asked what we thought he could do to make the class better. I said “one day out the week for tutoring would be nice.” Here’s where things get a little weird.
So, the real question is what do you do about it? For one, I wouldn’t attend his romantic solo tutoring session created specifically for you. If he’s saying those things in front of people imagine what he might say—or do—when it’s just you two in a room alone. Ew. He may not actually be a total creep, but you’re probably better off getting tutoring from a classmate if he makes you uncomfortable. Think about it—you won’t be able to focus and learn when you’re on your guard the whole time.
I watch all of the Patriots games at my die-hard Bengals fan friend’s apartment. Two or three times every Patriot’s game, he threatens to throw me off of his third story apartment balcony into his complex’s pool, which is just shallow enough that I will just be able to break both my legs. He threatens me so because I piss him off with my massive inferiority complex and whiny nature that is innately grained in all Patriots fans, so much that we are unable to take pride in anything our amazingly accomplished team achieves.