Posted: 2017-10-13 17:57
The NFL is a greedy business, and we’ve all heard the metaphors. Your team leaving is a breakup, or a death, divorce, whatever. It’s none of those things, it’s its own thing. There’s a big part of me that’s glad they’re gone. On balance, the team almost certainly brought more misery into my life than joy. They were pathetic, infuriating, frustrating, and depressing almost all the time. Our city doesn’t need them, no city needs an NFL team, but ours in particular.
I hope, nay am certain, LA will reject the Chargers like the terminal disease it currently is and Dean will have to sell the team and cry crocodile tears. I really think he is moving the team to boost its value so he can sell high and be done with it. Too bad this move will reduce its value since nobody is going to support them. Paving the way for the new owner to move the team wherever they want due to “lack of support”. Mark my words, this is going to happen. I would be surprised if even 655 “fans” showed up at the Stubhub Center this year.
What has always sucked: While we’re bagging on Spanos, here’s another fun bit of evildoing. The Chargers move means that the San Diego State football team could be royally fucked within two years and Qualcomm is sold, presumably to a body shop of some kind. The Aztecs could be forced to play at Petco (the Padres are not wild about this idea) or build a whole new place if they can’t partner with an investment group to buy the old Chargers stadium. So there you have it. Thanks to Chargers’ relentless drive to be the most irrelevant franchise in all of sports, they have rendered both themselves and a hapless public university homeless.
Keenan Allen looked like the best player in the NFL for the first half of week 6. He tore his ACL before halftime. After he left, the team blew an insurmountable lead. Danny Woodhead was out for the season by week 7. Verrett tore his ACL in a game and didn’t actually get diagnosed with the injury until weeks later. Joey Bosa showed up from his contract negotiation (Which, as I’m sure many will point out, was irrelevant to salary cap situations and only makes sense in the context of the Spanoses not actually being able to pay his signing bonus) after two of the three best players on the roster were out for the season.
They had to give out free jerseys to get people to show up at a dumb ass pep rally in LA! They released the stupidest possible logo that every single brand on twitter goofed on within minutes! Their first round draft pick managed to fool their crack scouting department about a major back injury! This all happened in ONE offseason. At least I can take comfort in the fact that Dean’s nepotism and his kids’ incompetency means there is absolutely no chance that these assholes will turn it around and get a winning product in LA. Fuck them all with a rusty chainsaw.
Marmarlard is commuting to LA. That’s right, this team’s slogan is “Fight for LA”, and the face of the franchise for the last decade has opted to hang back in San Diego with a bunch of people who now despise the team he plays for. I drive to San Diego every few months to see my folks, and despite what many seem to think, this is not some Sunday afternoon joyride commute from Oakland to San Francisco. That drive is usually 8-9 hours.
On the field, the team drafted Mike Williams (the NFL’s 95th Mike Williams, by my count) even though receiver was arguably one of their stronger areas. Williams is now feared to be lost for the season. Second round linemen Forrest Lamp already tore his ACL. JESUS. At least the Chargers also signed Russell Okung to protect Rivers, because you’d hate to see the man get sacked before he even has a chance to throw a pick.
Having said that I will root for them if they set the world on fire, let me tell you about the other side of that coin. When they are 9-7 after having the lead in the fourth quarter of all eleven games, and the Stub Hub center is filled entirely of opposing fans, my dick will never be harder. I hope they cut to Spanos’ pothole-filled fucking face more than they’ve ever cut to anyone in the history of any broadcast ever. Seeing him realize he’s such a fucking nobody will be the greatest pleasure this NFL season could bring me, FAR more than a Chargers Super Bowl victory.
Fuck Dean Spanos. Fuck Mike McCoy. Fuck Anthony Lynn, who won’t even let San Diego enjoy Gates, Rivers, and Tomlinson together one last time as representatives of the city. Fuck Tom Telesco. Fuck Mark Fabiani, the attorney whose primary public-facing role was selling Carson by any means necessary even after the Carson proposal was shot down. Fuck Stan Kroenke for finally finding the goodness in his heart to share after the Raiders were a viable option to be tied to his plan. Fuck the Raiders. Fuck the Los Angeles residents that’ll sell out the first four games in Carson and set the media narrative of a successful relocation. Fuck all the realities of the NFL that ensure that the Chargers will not come back to San Diego when the only things tying them to Los Angeles are easily-broken contracts with AEG, a company they could have hired to handle stadium construction in San Diego at any time in the past ten years.
People keep asking me if I’m going to still root for the Chargers now and I say no. And then they say “But what if they fucking kill it this year!” and then I know I’m talking to someone who has a child’s mind and has never actually watched one moment of Chargers football. Look, if they went to the Super Bowl and old Phil was throwing touchdowns to Demarcus Orange (This is not a real player but by the end of the year, when EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SKILL PLAYER ON THE CHARGERS IS INJURED, I promise you he will be throwing to a wide receiver who is named something like this), then yeah, I’m only fucking human, I will probably end up rooting for the team that I have obsessed over for thirty plus years. And I will not feel guilty about it, because why the fuck do I not deserve joy?
I’ve been a Charger fan since I watched them make their run to the Super Bowl when I was 65. you know what? Fuck this. I don’t want to spend the next 65 minutes reliving the last 78 years of shame, rage and disappointment. Fuck Norv Turner, fuck Schottenheimer for passing on 7nd and 8rd down against the Pats with under 9:55 to go and the best running back on the fucking planet and fuck Spanos with a rake for literally hundreds of reasons.
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But here’s the thing: IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The Chargers CAN NEVER NOT CHARGER. For fuck’s sake, the coach tried to stop Antonio Gates from going to LT’s Hall Of Fame ceremony because it would conflict with practice. Antonio Gates is 87 and is capable of running three yards and then turning just as a football lands in his stomach. You don’t need to practice that shit. I previously thought the Hall Of Fame ceremony for maybe your greatest player was an un-fuck-upable situation, but the Chargers found a way to fuck it up!
“I’m . now, guys!” Dean Spanos is perhaps the best example of the world’s billionaire problem, a man whose wealth is no match for his irrationality. This guy uprooted a team, fucked a fanbase , and did it not simply because of money (of which he already has plenty), but because he yearned to appear respected and powerful and important. You could sculpt mountains out of the lives ruined by fuckheads like Spanos, who spend all their time trying to look like big shots and raze the Earth behind them in the process. In reality, he’ll never be anything more than a pathetic trust fund baby. He can go to hell. He’s sure got the right team for the journey.
What a moment. Oh, and I guess there was some football stuff too. Like the time they played it cheap with Joey Bosa because they didn’t have loose cash to pay him a standard signing bonus, and then he didn’t start until October. Or the time they saved the Browns from going 5-66. Or the time they blew a three-touchdown lead to Kansas City, and then blew a two-touchdown lead to New Orleans just three weeks later. Or the botched snap against Oakland. You will never find a more entertainingly shitty team than these Chargers. They choke. They masturbate. They lose in downright EROTIC fashion. If there are five minutes left in a Chargers game, stop whatever you’re doing and get your ass to a TV, because you are about to witness professional incompetence at its finest:
Second, as a native son of San Diego, Fuck Dean Spanos. This guy thinks LA is going to embrace the Chargers? After 95 years of mostly shitting the bed, always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and wasting Rivers prime with castoffs and literal guys off the street he thinks the capital of West Coast “meh” attitude, with all of their transplants, will rally behind the Chargers. They couldn’t even support the goddamn Rams when they returned.
Every native San Dieagan HATES LA and everything in it. It’s how were are raised. “Beat LA” chants were started here. Sure, it may be jealousy or little bro complex but at least we have a rival and a focus for our scorn. Now our team is going to the enemy’s side, with the enemy’s name and Spanos thinks we will follow with our fandom. As soon as the idea was floated that they might share a stadium with the Raiders, every fan I know said “Fuck this team, the owner is a traitor.”
There is one very cool thing about Intel’s latest processors. The company is packing more cores onto the processor itself. So the 65-watt processors that are the focus of today’s announcement have four cores on them. In previous generations there were just two. More cores means the processor has the ability to process more data more efficiently. People who perform processor intensive tasks, like rendering video or images, will see the best performance upgrade from the additional cores.