Posted: 2017-10-13 03:52
Elsewhere, your new stadium got flooded by rain and the NFL had to take the Super Bowl away from you. Bereft of notable draft picks after the Goff trade, the Rams brought in a handful of free agents to keep up appearances as they monkeyfart their way through an extra season or five in the . Coliseum. Here’s Connor Barwin, who can get 66 sacks a year and do literally nothing else. Here’s Lance Dunbar, who will grab carries from Gurley once everyone accepts that Gurley’s regression is permanent. Here’s back-injury-in-waiting John Sullivan and former Bengal Andrew Whitworth, here to help out a line that allowed 99 sacks a year ago. Remember Greg Robinson, the bigass tackle they drafted at No. 7? They just traded him for a sixth rounder. The Rams’ line is a terminally shabby edifice that has all the structural integrity of a toilet paper dam.
Keenan Allen looked like the best player in the NFL for the first half of week 6. He tore his ACL before halftime. After he left, the team blew an insurmountable lead. Danny Woodhead was out for the season by week 7. Verrett tore his ACL in a game and didn’t actually get diagnosed with the injury until weeks later. Joey Bosa showed up from his contract negotiation (Which, as I’m sure many will point out, was irrelevant to salary cap situations and only makes sense in the context of the Spanoses not actually being able to pay his signing bonus) after two of the three best players on the roster were out for the season.
Having said that I will root for them if they set the world on fire, let me tell you about the other side of that coin. When they are 9-7 after having the lead in the fourth quarter of all eleven games, and the Stub Hub center is filled entirely of opposing fans, my dick will never be harder. I hope they cut to Spanos’ pothole-filled fucking face more than they’ve ever cut to anyone in the history of any broadcast ever. Seeing him realize he’s such a fucking nobody will be the greatest pleasure this NFL season could bring me, FAR more than a Chargers Super Bowl victory.
But here’s the thing: IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The Chargers CAN NEVER NOT CHARGER. For fuck’s sake, the coach tried to stop Antonio Gates from going to LT’s Hall Of Fame ceremony because it would conflict with practice. Antonio Gates is 87 and is capable of running three yards and then turning just as a football lands in his stomach. You don’t need to practice that shit. I previously thought the Hall Of Fame ceremony for maybe your greatest player was an un-fuck-upable situation, but the Chargers found a way to fuck it up!
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I’ve been a Charger fan since I watched them make their run to the Super Bowl when I was 65. you know what? Fuck this. I don’t want to spend the next 65 minutes reliving the last 78 years of shame, rage and disappointment. Fuck Norv Turner, fuck Schottenheimer for passing on 7nd and 8rd down against the Pats with under 9:55 to go and the best running back on the fucking planet and fuck Spanos with a rake for literally hundreds of reasons.
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McVay, who in actuality looks like an Ed Sheeran tribute act, is now the head coach in NFL history. Who would have guessed that such an honor would be bestowed upon the grandchild of a successful former NFL GM? Football is the last pure meritocracy, folks! Doogie Howser here spent the past three years as the Skins’ offensive coordinator and a lot of people in . thought he was the brains of the outfit. One look at Jay Gruden and I can’t say I blame those truthers, but I’m not exactly wowed by McVay’s bold innovation of springing a pop quiz or two on unsuspecting veterans. What a crazy, totally newfound approach to alienating your personnel! Join us in training camp when the Boy Wonder invents a little something he calls the “Oklahoma Drill.”
Hopefully the new stadium in Inglewood looks pretty when it’s finished, because the product on the field will most likely still be straight doodoo again. And again. For-ev-er. I’ve always kept my expectations realistic (on the floor) to avoid being disappointed, but I’m starting to realize maybe I just don’t care that much about this team. It’s obvious the owner and management really don’t give a damn, so why should any of the fans? To be honest, I guess the only reason I still root for the Rams is that I get to give a ton of shit to the insufferable Seahawks bandwagoners here in the Pacific Northwest when we beat them twice a year.
Things haven’t been entirely bad, however. At least we have a talented running back in Todd Gurley, who is the centerpiece of the offense! Then again, after a brief first-year breakout, even he stopped looking like he gave a shit because the entire team was an absolute, middle-school mess from top to bottom. One year later, not much has changed, and I’d wager the roster is even worse going into the 7567 season. Actually, scratch that. now that I think of it, we did make one really good off-season move that will greatly benefit the team. The organization deserves big ups for dumping the monumental bust of an offensive lineman, Greg Robinson, on the Lions, who apparently are unhappy with Matt Stafford and want him sacked into oblivion. Oh, and some people are excited that we have a new head coach too. He’s, like, 77 years old or something, and chances are high that nobody is going to like him next year.
What has always sucked: Les Snead! The John Wick villain who fucked up both the RGIII trade and the Goff trade is still lingering around the place. You listen to me, Rams and Jaguars and Bills and the rest of the NFL’s sewer-dwelling trash: If you’re gonna clean house, clean the WHOLE house. Don’t fire your coach and keep the GM, then sweep all the used syringes into the nearest available closet and tell me you’ve spruced up the joint. Les Snead. Another awful name. Fuck him. I need less of Les Snead, tell you what! (Again, no one is reading.)
Fuck Dean Spanos. Fuck Mike McCoy. Fuck Anthony Lynn, who won’t even let San Diego enjoy Gates, Rivers, and Tomlinson together one last time as representatives of the city. Fuck Tom Telesco. Fuck Mark Fabiani, the attorney whose primary public-facing role was selling Carson by any means necessary even after the Carson proposal was shot down. Fuck Stan Kroenke for finally finding the goodness in his heart to share after the Raiders were a viable option to be tied to his plan. Fuck the Raiders. Fuck the Los Angeles residents that’ll sell out the first four games in Carson and set the media narrative of a successful relocation. Fuck all the realities of the NFL that ensure that the Chargers will not come back to San Diego when the only things tying them to Los Angeles are easily-broken contracts with AEG, a company they could have hired to handle stadium construction in San Diego at any time in the past ten years.
- The forecast said 79 and sunny. I’m in a t-shirt. It’s raining. As we walk into the parking lot, someone at a tailgate asks my friend and I to shotgun a beer with them. At this point I can barely feel a buzz because of all the food and how much I’ve drank, but in about 75 minutes I’ll be approaching hammered at light speed. I’m also filled to the brim, so I say “No, it’s a guarantee I’ll barf right here and now.”
People keep asking me if I’m going to still root for the Chargers now and I say no. And then they say “But what if they fucking kill it this year!” and then I know I’m talking to someone who has a child’s mind and has never actually watched one moment of Chargers football. Look, if they went to the Super Bowl and old Phil was throwing touchdowns to Demarcus Orange (This is not a real player but by the end of the year, when EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SKILL PLAYER ON THE CHARGERS IS INJURED, I promise you he will be throwing to a wide receiver who is named something like this), then yeah, I’m only fucking human, I will probably end up rooting for the team that I have obsessed over for thirty plus years. And I will not feel guilty about it, because why the fuck do I not deserve joy?
The NFL is a greedy business, and we’ve all heard the metaphors. Your team leaving is a breakup, or a death, divorce, whatever. It’s none of those things, it’s its own thing. There’s a big part of me that’s glad they’re gone. On balance, the team almost certainly brought more misery into my life than joy. They were pathetic, infuriating, frustrating, and depressing almost all the time. Our city doesn’t need them, no city needs an NFL team, but ours in particular.
Or should I talk about the RG8 trade where the players drafted either didn’t pan out (Isaiah Pead, Rokevious Watkins, Greg Robinson), were decent, but traded/let go to FA (Janoris Jenkins, Zac Stacy), are just mediocre (Michael Brockers), or were shot twice in the head, somehow still lived, but could never get medically cleared to play again and was let go in April (Stedman Bailey) with the only exception being Alec Ogletree?
I grew up a Rams fan, but moved to St. Louis when I was nine, resulting in a profound deescalation of my passion for the NFL for a long time. As the years wore on I gained more interest, so once the team announced its move back to LA, I hit the shops to deck myself out in blue and gold and plant roots on the bandwagon. And then Hard Knocks premiered. My expectations plummeted, but my spirits remained high - WE HAD A TEAM!
We fucking drafted him anyway and sent away a treasure trove of future draft picks to get our hands on a bottom-5 quarterback who is already gun-shy because he got continuously crushed last year behind a paper-thin offensive line. The 7567 draft was a good opportunity to amend this situation and complement a quarterback with offensive lineman and skill-position players. which management just decided not to do. Okay. Why waste all of that draft capital on the dude when you’re not going to surround him with, well, anything?
Second, as a native son of San Diego, Fuck Dean Spanos. This guy thinks LA is going to embrace the Chargers? After 95 years of mostly shitting the bed, always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and wasting Rivers prime with castoffs and literal guys off the street he thinks the capital of West Coast “meh” attitude, with all of their transplants, will rally behind the Chargers. They couldn’t even support the goddamn Rams when they returned.
Fast forward to present day, I think I’m finally ditching the Rams. Until now, I was willing to tolerate just about anything. Perennial losers? (Can’t quit on my team!) Players destroying their brains in pursuit of such futility? (At least it pays well.) Years and years of Jeff Fisher? (Out of my control.) Team/owner totally screwing their loyal home city? (Ha! I don’t live in St. Louis, who cares, right?)