Posted: 2017-12-07 16:31
I too went back time and time again, and nothing changed. Mine could only stay away about 9 days, he would break it up, run off to someone else he had on the side, and I would be too stupid, naïve to realize that is what he was doing.
I don 8767 t want another unavailable man in my life, therefore I have to set the limits, I have to realize I deserve better, and stop forgetting about how I feel, and make excuses for unexcusable behavior.
The reason is because, speaking as a woman who does online dating, there are a ton of creepy guys on dating sites who try to talk women out of their strictly stated preferences (to give some other examples: age limits, not wanting to date long-distance, not wanting casual sex, or even women looking exclusively for other women) under the guise of I m just wondering It sucks for decent guys, but I think part of being a decent guy is learning to place the blame on the creepy guys, and not wanting to make women even more uncomfortable who have been victimized by creeps.
At 87 my husband would have described his circumstances in exactly the same terms as you, even down to his met through a friend, hung out in the friend group for a few months, he made it quietly clear he liked me, and I asked him out. We had sex on our first date, and carried on from there. I 8767 ve been with other inexperienced men, and there has been precisely zero difference in bedroom fun between them and guys who have slept with tons of women. Our primeval brains can be quite good at carrying us through.
I know it s not easy. But the average person by my age has managed to do it at least once. Even by those hotly debated statistics DNL put up, most people by my age have done it once or twice. Even if they don t know how and even if a lot of it was luck, it still happened. And yet for a variety of very good reasons it never happened for me. And now I am at a point where it happening is very unlikely, which is also my fault (or the fault of a society made by men I can t measure up to). I ve tried to deny it, fake it, and feel sad about it. Now I just have to accept it.
And how is this different to the other people on here? They don 8767 t experience people mocking inexperience/virginity? Awesome, I 8767 m envious. But that is literally all I can take from it, that isn 8767 t the life I 8767 ve experience in the distant or even recent past and present. The article itself mocks the idea that people (it says women but I 8767 m going to branch out) can tell when you 8767 re inexperienced, like reading body language and previous encounters, when conversations steer in that direction, is only possible in people with an IQ and power of deduction high enough to pass for a modern day Sherlock Holmes. Why don 8767 t you have an issue with that? That is every bit 8766 the only reality that matters 8767 as anything I 8767 ve written today.
Which isn t to say that you have to do all that. It sounds like this stuff has all been really brutal on your confidence and your well-being, and if that s not something you want to keep putting yourself through, that s both understandable and reasonable. But regardless, it seems like maybe a bit more confidence in your own value a bit might be a good thing for you even if you don t want to put it towards dating, because the way you re looking at yourself just doesn t seem quite right.
One of his funniest stories is that he offered to continue the evening with a girl who he had made out with several times before back at his place. She tells him we re NOT going to have sex he says yeah or something similar. So they go back to his place. Make out a bit. Then he decides, for his own amusement, to actually act like he believed her. He suggests that he s tired and she should go. She drags her feet, keeps talking, keeps making excuses about not leaving yet, when he finally walks her to the door says goodnight and closes it, he says the expression on her face was priceless she just couldn t believe that he wasn t actually trying to push past her resistance to sleep with her, and she was really, really annoyed that he wasn t ignoring what she said and making the moves to do it.
because lots of people still feel if they have no experience on certain matters, every trait in their character is meaningless. i just try to be a decent person, because i don t know exactly what i have to offer. fortunately i got lucky to meet my girlfriend, and other girls i did dig. even if i couldn t do more than just making out once, because if that was the case, i had to tell them how little experienced i was and me as the older one in all cases would be extremely shameful to me. that shame didn t allow me to live things i would like but on the other hand i don t think i had deserve them.
I believe in fully active consent to all things, especially sex. Yes is yes, and it can be withdrawn at any time for any reason. I don t see romance as a game or women as flesh to be conquered. Having sex with someone through any sort of lie or trickery is wrong. And a lie by omission is still a lie. I do not want anyone I sleep with to feel lied to that is unfair to her. Which means that even if everything goes my way on a date, if things are going super well and I am getting all the butterflies and other dopey emotions, eventually I will have to reveal my deepest, darkest secret in order for her to have informed consent.
In your posts, you ve said you feel like you would be inflicting yourself upon any woman you were interested in. It s a feeling I can completely understand, because it s one I ve felt myself. It s one I still feel sometimes. I went through a really bad spot last year and I leaned really, really hard on my boyfriend. Too hard, to the point where there were a few times I told him I was inflicting my insanity upon him and he could leave. And he told me he knew he could, but that he was making the choice not to. Because what you, and I, have to remember is that people have agency. They can choose to leave. Worrying about inflicting yourself on others ignores that. Nobody has to be your anything, and they can leave if they want to.
When do you expect this conversation to happen? First date? Second? Tenth? Right before you jump into bed? I ask because, unless you re walking into your dates and immediately lead with How are you? I m a virgin, BTW it doesn t need to become an issue until the point where the person you re with has already started to show you you are desirable. So if you re linking your virginity with being undesirable, your date has already started to prove that wrong. I know you may want to scoff and say Gee, that s so helpful right now, but it can be one way to help you be chill with the idea. If you hold off on mentioning you are a virgin, or never say it, then by the time your date finds out they ve already shown you are desirable.
It s not that all guys are blinded by entitlement, playing passive aggressive nice guy games, or have low self esteem, it s that those three things can be huge problems, and the blog is about fixing problems. Each of those problems are complex and difficult to unravel, so we re talking about them. That s a good thing. It isn t an attack. Relax. Let s all try to understand other people s perspectives.
It took me a long time (junior high into college, basically) to figure out the false facade didn t work. It involved too much work to keep my own stories straight and it never gave me the confidence I thought it would. If I was really as cool and tough as I pretended to be, I wouldn t have been bullied or fret about being lonely. It never gave me the emotional ore I needed because deep down I knew it was fake. Who I really am may be many nice things, but they re not romantically appealing to those I want to appeal to. I m just a face in a crowd, as exciting as oatmeal.
Paul, I totally get where you re coming from about the whole Mum told me girls wanted. and Everyone told me that women hate pushy guys. I got that message growing up too. But here s the thing as I ve looked back over the last year or so and questioned these beliefs, I m having a hard time finding the evidence that I actually WAS told those things.
Guest, even you, when describing how people figured out you were a virgin, said it was due to a) friends noticing you never seemed to have a girlfriend, and wondering, and b) you reacting awkwardly when the topic was brought up directly. It doesn t sound as if you think those friends could instantly tell your level of sexual experience within a few hours of meeting you (it would take a while for them to see a lack of girlfriend as an ongoing thing rather than a temporary situation), and it definitely sounds as if you believe your demeanor affected what they concluded (., you might have gotten away with lying if you d done so more smoothly).
And the ickiest part of the whole thing is that this assumption that you ll be putting in more work makes you feel like you at the very least deserve something for all your efforts. That if a woman after all your hard work turns you down for sex, it s not because she s just not that into you, or doesn t like you, or is turned off by you, no it s that she s lazy. She won t put out because she s selfish.
He s also got this idea that women never do anything in bed just because their partner might like it. Sure, we all have our limits. I m *never* going to have a three way to please my partner. But if he was like, hey, I d be really into it if you told me a story about your childhood while we re getting it on , I d be willing to try it, assuming that he was willing to try different stuff for me, too.
9. Or the other classic you re the surrogate boyfriend for them. They start getting you to treat them like someone they re dating flirting, picking them up they ll even start to act possessionistic towards you when other girls try to flirt with you. But you want to date them no, no, you re just friends. But that other girl who was actually single and available she s no good for you! You can do better! etc etc
All the righteous indignation in the world is not going to make you feel better about how he treated you. That 8767 s because it wasn 8767 t fair or deserved BUT you need to be asking yourself why you didn 8767 t think that your life and welfare was important enough to avoid getting/staying involved with a sleachy, insulting, minging, foul, disgusting, shallow emotionally unavailable assclown. Feeling insulted and outraged is completely understandable and right but it doesn 8767 t get you anywhere. Planning how you 8767 ll recognise, avoid and say a big fat 8775 NO EFFING WAY 8776 to the next one is a more empowering and productive use of your time.
Yeva, you miss the point. These men, me included, have been raised their entire life with the brainwashing that you MUST be nice to women, women like nice guys, you are a potential rapist and your sexuality is the one of a pig, so if you want to be wanted by a woman, you MUST be nice and sacrifice any persdonality you and conform to the definition of men we women think we want. Once you ve sacrificed yourself listening to women, not only you discover that women don t like that, no, they hate it to their guts and top it with saying you re a spineless men so desperate for pussy that you gave up your own self.