Posted: 2017-10-12 21:35
Sad for you but also glad to hear it 8767 s not just me. Even though he is now 85, my ex is still more caring, socially/emotionally/physically alive than most of the 55ssomething 8767 s I meet here. It 8767 s as though the dating pool abruptly tanked. I suppose because they are in shorter supply, and we older chix are in excess, they really feel no need to get their act together as some chick is always there desperate enough to take them as is. Perhaps it 8767 s living in a different part of the continent, perhaps values have really gone downhill over the past coupla decades. Seems to be a lot more allegedly available guys that have major emotional issues, financial issues, addiction issues. I find this really alarming as I am a very overedumacated sort and am not hanging out in crappy bars, hook up singles venues, anywhere remotely trashy and still encounter dudes rife with these problems including attachments to exes, using women as rebounds etc. Methinks our society is headed in a very bad direction.
6. I suspected very early on he had a drink problem I would go to his and see many many cans on his 8775 recycling windowsill 8776 from the previous evening and I voiced this to friends. I ignored it, put it down to I don 8767 t know what but I ignored it. But his conversations were littered with references to his excessive drinking, all relayed with pride at his own laddishness. He drank around the boys, and we never met without drink being involved.
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I agree with you Mymble. In my opinion, MR Writer wasn 8767 t just talking about her personal experiences: she clearly broached ethics and asserted some of her philosophical ideas regarding ills of men and society (as evidenced both in her writings and the responses from commentators), which will inevitably translate into rhetoric for some, and ultimately challenged, and I believe rightly so.
I agree with much of what you say. I met my husband in 8767 97 and we were together for 67 good years. Lots of folks looked askance at our 78 year age difference but we did well. When I tried to date after we broke up, it was a completely different and very ugly world. Suddenly disappearing, stalking, attempting to a woman not attracted to you was A OK, and somehow, the woman 8767 s fault. Immaturity is rife. I will no longer date men my age anymore. The AC was my age lesson learned plus so many guys my age have small children and my parenting days are over. Men like my best friend, in his 75s, hold doors open for me, bring in firewood without being asked, help me on with my coat when we leave a restaurant. Try getting a 55 or to do those things. I do worry about having to nursemaid, so I avoid the outta shape guys already am nursemaiding my dad because of his bad lifestyle, don 8767 t need to repeat that lesson.
We can adjust and maintain our boundaries but until we are ready to go offensive and take real action both as individuals and as a whole mentality, the problem will persist, it will worsen as it has and we are either abandoning thousands of years of societal evolution for the hope of some greater benefit (the likes so far I cannot see) or we will be conditioned into a new form of insidious slavery which is very much against feminism and women 8767 s liberation and is the unspoken backlash of men 8767 s misogyny and cruelty denied by themselves in the action and denied further by ourselves as we accept the unacceptable.
This is one of those situations where like in an argument, it 8767 s gone from arguing about this side issue to arguing about the way you 8767 re arguing. Please think about what you 8767 re writing and remember that you cannot argue that people 8766 should 8767 speak their mind while telling other people off for doing it, nor can there be telling people off for expressing their opinion and the way in which they do it when the way in which you express that to them may make you guilty of the same thing.
You have a point that a lot of guys likely act that way in online dating to assert masculinity. I 8767 m sure a sizeable minority are fairly crude IRL, but after online displays they get few chances to show it off. 8775 Negging 8776 is also similar to that. It seems like a dumb thing to do towards women they (in theory) want to impress enough that they get sex, but as a man, I 8767 ll concede a lot of 8775 mainstream 8776 male behavior and messages are counter productive and stupid. It doesn 8767 t help when a lot of 8775 mainstream 8776 masculinity seems to be involved in treating women as objects at best or cruelly at worst. But at least these guys self select out of many (hopefully most) women 8767 s dating pools online.
I just want to say that I had no problem with MRWriter so eloquently expressing herself in her comments. In fact, I found her raw honesty and vulnerability touching. I hope that she continues commenting here and sharing her thoughts. I understand a lot of her frustrations, though I look at them from a slightly different perspective and haven 8767 t come to the same conclusions that she has. Still, I am grateful that there is a space here on BR where women AND men can come when they 8767 re feeling vulnerable and express their thoughts and receive a fresh perspective from others, one that may bolster them even for just another day.
Your philosophy is an extension of the 8775 abundance philosophy 8776 that DNL suggests and intellectually I can understand it. As DNL has at times admitted it can be more of a mindset to adopt more than a reality for some. I have a difficult time buying into it at this stage so it is difficult to shrug off a bad date as 8775 Eh, we just were not compatible 8776 . Ultimately, though, it 8767 s not a good idea to project someone you 8767 re not on an OLD profile (or even on a date itself), and ultimately at this point if I did I doubt I would do so. I 8767 m already hiding so much about myself anyway that hiding the geek stuff or pretending I make more than I do is just extra noise.
So, anyway, I am praying fervently every day for The Lord to change my heart and turn it away from him. It s working, whether it s God or me, I don t know. But I m happy with the results. I keep reminding myself that I have survived and conquered much worse situations than this. Funny, the guest pastor said something that struck a chord with me this morning. He said, You single ladies wonder why you haven t married, yet? It s because god has found the right one for you yet. Of course, that statement can be take with a huge grain of salt but it s something to give us hope.
Was I EUM in my 75s? I don 8767 t think so at least not from a place of avoidance or issues but if I was it was from a place of wanting to experience and grow into myself. I moved to NYC at the age of 69 with only $855, no credit and not knowing anyone in the city. I did it. I secured an apartment on the Upper East Side, worked as an stage actress earning my Equity card as well as eventually working at the MoMA without a college education. Was I particularly lucky? I would actually say yes, I was incredibly lucky as well as brave and hopeful. I had dreams and ambitions that did not align with marriage or having kids. I was self-aware enough to appreciate and understand where I was in my journey. I thought I had time. Time to live, grow and become more of myself as a person, an artist and a woman with experience.
Now. If it was a solicitation for sage, action-oriented advice or a cry for help from urban burn-out, (and not just a show-off diatribe 🙂 )I would say plan leave Los Angeles for a while. A year at minimum. Put your stuff in storage and get outside of the exclusive bubbles, in narcissistic meccas, and get a different, more normalized perspective. Meet some new people, some hot men who are decent, although maybe not as glamorous, impressive or famous, not caught up in The Game. This is really not beyond your control. Or mine. Or Suzys. Totally manageable. They are more plentiful in smaller cities- or the country, where the dating is much more relaxed and the sex power struggle is not so acute. xxxxooooooo. Wow again.
This is an example of the sort of thing about myself which would have to be 8775 hidden 8776 versus something like a hobby where revealing it right off is a good way to find common ground. I would no longer want to immediately reveals this in a profile or actively reveal it to a date, or even coworkers. But it is always there, something to bury or work on on my own. It 8767 s not the same as stating opinions on Star Wars.
He 8767 s having a great time, sex, a shoulder to cry on and she doesn 8767 t raise a squeak about how she 8767 s being treated.
I 8767 ve done it myself in the recent past, put up with crap because I thought I was in love and he would sort out his problems (with my help of course), eventually see me for the wonderful woman I am and we would magically ride off into the sunset, madly in love etc, etc, etc. We know how this fantasy pan 8767 s out in the long run.
We come here to heal. We learn (or relearn). We are suddenly made to see the maltreatment and bad behaviors not of the exception of the rule but the rule itself with the exception given to those few men who have not been tainted by the 8775 selfie 8776 culture of today. Let 8767 s face it, most of those 8775 good 8776 men are taken, bagged and tagged. We are picking through the scraps and lamenting our bad hunting skills when there 8767 s only bones to growl over. It isn 8767 t us. It isn 8767 t us.
Indeed. And unfortunately some of those guys who witness it conclude that the way to emulate that 8775 success 8776 is to become jerks and buy into the toxic mantra themselves, and it helps spread. Especially if some of them write books like 8775 The Game 8776 . Meanwhile of course there 8767 s no telling how long those women are willing to put up with those guys. Sometimes it 8767 s just for a date, or a half date, or until sex happens and the guy treats her even worse after, etc. And the women who date them end up blamed (by some, sometimes even some other women), which compounds it.
So for all of you who keep saying 8775 It 8767 s me, it 8767 s me 8776 please stop. You might be managing down your expectations because of years of having them managed down and a new 8775 normal 8776 has lowered your standards by virtue of your human and understandable desire of wanting to share your life with a companion. Nothing and I do mean there is nothing wrong with wanting that.
((HUGS)) Lilly. These things take time, so be patient with yourself. The last contact with the AC wasn 8767 t that long ago, if I recall, so I 8767 m sure you 8767 re processing it. I think that, with depression, it takes repetitive action to combat it, the way you 8767 re doing with your therapist. You might also want to look into vitamin supplementation (if you 8767 re not into anti-depressants) for your moods. Just a thought. You 8767 ll rise above this, my darling. *Smooches* I 8767 ll say prayers for you (yes, with my potty mouth which I 8767 m workin 8767 on! I also pray! ))
6. Turned everything I said into a compliment about my appearance. Examples: Me mentioning the heat: 8775 It 8767 s probably because you 8767 re outside. 8776 I mention troubles getting STEM job interviews: 8775 If they saw you, I 8767 m sure you 8767 d get hired right away. 8776 I start YELLING about universal healthcare because I wanted to see how far he 8767 d take this nonsense (we were in a people were staring at me: 8775 I bet if you went to congress, they 8767 d be so distracted by your beauty that they wouldn 8767 t even notice what bill they were passing. 8776 He also told me he 8767 d like to spank me.