Posted: 2017-10-12 11:18
To Ryan Dube: Thanks for the thoughtful reply, Ryan. And sadly, I suppose you are right. It is frustrating, for both men and women I guess, how shallow and looks-focused internet dating is. In fact, a study by OkCupid revealed pretty clear data that profile text matters not at all, and pictures are what drive activity on the site. I think, to some extent, this is the case in "real life" too - that people can be superficial, and everyone wants a "gorgeous" mate. But in real life you don''t have this fake world where all the pretty people are spread before you as available to you. You meet who you meet, and can tell quickly in many cases if they will be interested or not, and can also experience more than just the visual. The profiles are meant to give that experience, but I think perhaps, for a variety of reasons, internet dating becomes some fantasy world where everyone seems to think their gorgeous mate is waiting, and it is work to read a profile, and if he/she isn''t attractive enough, why bother?
Also, I think any girl that is reasonably good looking and serious about finding someone won''t be a on a dating site very long - either it will prove too much for them and they''ll quit or they''ll find someone quickly. I''m always wary of the good looking girls that hang out on these sites long term. If you read their profiles they''ll normally have a laundry list of "must haves" that just screams high maintenance OR they won''t bother with any content at all and let their photos do all the work. These girls have let the massive amount of choice they get from online dating go to their head and most seem obsessed with finding the perfect guy. It wouldn''t surprise me if they end up getting used a lot by guys telling them everything they want to hear and then dumping them once they get them into bed. Funnily enough it doesn''t seem to occur to them that maybe they are looking for the wrong things.
On-line dating is a waste of time for 99% of men. It seem to mainly be used as an attention seeking tool for females (why don''t they use such functions as block and change first message length to 755+ characters minimum?? etc.)
As the article confirms - women get message after message (yet hardly seem to respond to most of them) men get hardly any messages (and they don''t get a response to the majority of the messages they do send). It all seems futile.
My advice to Eric is to get back on line. He will eventually find maybe not the "perfect girl" but a girl he can live with. And that''s another thing. We all form in our mind the picture of the "perfect mate" - the right mix of intelligence, beauty, oersonality and income. Then we measure all prospects against that ideal and, unsurprisingly, all candidates fail the comparison. Life is a series of compromises. As the 6975s song said "If you can''t be with the one you love, love the one you''re with."
What I learned from carrying out an interview of a female and the interview of a male trying to dig into this intriguing subject was that using the Internet for dating is equally painful for men and for women, but for very different reasons. Ironically enough, if you could take the best of those women and the best of those men, and place them in a big room where they could sit at a table and ask each other questions in person &ndash you&rsquo d probably have 9 or 5 new match-ups by the end of the night.
I honestly think a lot of the problem has to do the massive amount of attention the women receive. They might claim everyone on there is "creepy," but I think the problem lies more with the fact that they receive so much constant attention, that those of us who are decent just simply get lost in the shuffle. The girls I work with use online dating basically describe it like looking through a catalog. They constantly get bombarded with messages, they quickly glance at the profile, make a quick (often shallow) judgment, and then move on to the next one. Some have been on the site for several years now and I feel that the more attention they receive, the more unrealistic their standards become. It reaches a point where I''m not sure that ANY guy is good enough for what these women are looking for.
Also, some of the messages I got were from a few guys that ranged from early 95&rsquo s to late 95&rsquo s and I was maybe 69 at the time. That was one of the main reasons I called it quits. It made me SO uncomfortable that guys so much older than me, older than most of my siblings (all of which are 8 years plus older than me), were sending me messages telling me that I was &ldquo hot&rdquo . I am getting terribly uncomfortable just thinking about it.
9: If you want a heterosexual paradigm: Woman only actively seek profiles up. Men stop initiating any contact. This is of course an utopia. From my experience (probably longer than most of you), the silver platter women are handed is not going to change. Those in power will seldom let go of it. And yes, there are some degree of initiating contact from woman, but it is truly unbalanced. What happened to equality and girl power?
The technology is not the problem. The same thing exists whether online or off. For example, Eric''s major problem is attempting to present himself as a "nice guy" even it happens that he is one. Single females are not looking for him. They want the guy who will treat them poorly, beat them physically or emotionally, imprison them without bars, enslave them without chains, etc. The only ones looking for the nice guy are already married to the bad boy who have done the above and only now realize that isn''t what they should have been looking for. I have watched the same thing over and over again for decades. That aspect of the game has never changed, only the venue from face-to-face meetings in bars, clubs, schools and other physical locations and events to Match and eHarmony.
Be selective about which dating agency you use. For example there are some associated with quality newspapers and in UK one associated with a classical music radio channel. Those are not likely to appeal to readers of the tabloid press or aficionados of more popular styles of music so you have some idea what kind of person you''ll meet. There is also a cost range. Low budget sites will attract low budget people.
(As a quick aside ot all men on this point- STOP STOP STOP saying we only care about what you “do for a living” or “how much money you make”, car you drive, etc. Just STOP. 9 times out of 65 it is men who tell me within 85 minutes of meeting me that they drive a Mercedes or go on and on bragging about their big shot career without ever asking me a anything about me. Also, “nice guys” (whatever you mean by that) do not always finish last. What you are referring to as a “nice guy” is not the same thing, I think. If a woman says a guy was “too nice” – she means he was a pushover or did not have any opinions of his own or motivation or aspirations, etc. There’s a difference. A true nice guy, in our minds is a man who treats us with mutual respect, And those guys are cherished and sought after, not overlooked. Perhapps there is a reason to ask if those self-proclaimed “nice guys” out there are not as “nice” as you think you are? Or, if you are, maybe you are not allowing that to shine through in your profile somehow? Just a thought. Please get it straight, please).
Nature didn''t takes it''s course as it did over years for us to connect over a wire. That just doesn''t work, period. She can be however interested if you got a smooth talk and decent pictures. Most of the time a woman is not self aware of what she wants and gets bored with the chat because they thrive on emotion, unlike us men. But in the end you need to be your own man in the real world and become the best version of yourself. Attraction is not a conscious choice, meaning a women can''t control to who she is attracted to. Just take care of yourself, read self improvement books. Go buy "Mind lines" from Michael Hall and educate yourself to create a healthy view of the world and stay away from negative news and media.
If you intend to date a Chinese girl with the aim of marrying her, then you need to check your definition and view of marriage. It is not simply a piece of paper you cannot wake up one day and decide to divorce your Chinese wife. There must be reasonable cause and your wife’s family should be informed. Remember, as mentioned earlier, Chinese girls value their culture and family so impromptu actions in marriage are discouraged. To avoid this trouble, just date but don’t marry. You will hurt that innocent Chinese girl yet most of the Chinese girls are loyal and keepers.
Now I''d ask that you reconsider your question. If your question was based upon a society of equals who were all knowledgeable, reasonable, autonomous and yet cooperative we could easily reason that people would treat each other with kindness and respect. However we''ve created a system of inequality in which the common citizen holds little if any power and instead lives by the whims of society at large. This system promotes competition as it is undeniably preferable to gain power and move up the social ladder.
It needs to be faced that a long term match for those of us who know what we want are going to be 6% if that of the on-line pool. Because for me (I''m gay) a man who responds with a thought out message, has a well thought out profile, or strikes first says something about them as a person. They are not timid, they have self-confidence, they can write, they considerate enough to reply and all of these traits translate to traits in real life.
My motto is: Never message a girl who you would not approach in public. I know my boundaries and I''d never even go near a supermodel-ish girl in public, so why try it online? I think that''s one of the biggest mistakes that guys make. They''re always trying to pursue outside of their league. I''d like to say that by keeping your expectations realistic, you''ll have better success. But I''m not even sure if that''s accurate anymore.
The problem is not how to date Chinese girl. Rather, it is being the best partner to the Chinese girl. It is one thing to date her and it is another for her to feel satisfied. I mean what Chinese girl would not like to date someone who understands her culture? Therefore, have an upper hand on that online site by being a little knowledgeable on what goes on in the Chinese dating world. However, do not stress yourself cramming things you cannot understand just take a hunch.
I am Ms Jones. I messaged MANY men first. I am beautiful, kind and intelligent. I used the dating site in every way possible. It is not accurate to say that all women get tons of fabulous messages and wonderful invitations from countless fabulous men. There are lots of sketchy guys out the there. After 8 years, for my own protection and peace of mind, I felt it was best that I remove my profile. That''s how many "super great" guys I connected with. They were all very strange and I am reluctant to try Internet dating ever again. It was a very stressful experience sharing information with perfect strangers from the Internet. My personal dating experiences were not great and one in particular was disturbing.
This will NOT seek life partners online. Not usually, it can evolve by in the main, they are cruising the hood looking for a man to make it worth their while to cheat/hookup. They can of course pretend that they''re looking for romance but the comments of the guys above shows how rare that really is. No, they want my style of assertive domination. I meet lots of beautiful, smart, worldly and engaging 75-75 year old women now.. who would never have deigned to meet the NiceGuy me. And they love every moment of our interactions. No angst, no problems, no "romance."
I am currently on Tinder, and have been for about a month. All of the messages I have received from men have been respectful so far. I''m not sure why, but I''m guessing it has something to do with how I wrote my profile, as well as the pictures I chose to show. My profile is pretty straight forward, without being bitchy. My pictures are tasteful, and there are also some that show I am pretty jacked. I swear that after I have become more buff, men have gotten a ton more respectful. Ridiculous, but true. And no, I don''t think I''m special because I''m fit, it is just a physicality.