Posted: 2017-11-27 14:15
I 8767 m a mom who has a three year old daughter. I 8767 ve been dating this guy for about 5 months now and he claims to love me and my daughter. I believe him but the issue we have here is my daughter 8767 s father. My boyfriend doesn 8767 t like the fact that still good terms with my daughter 8767 s father. He does nothing for her but I keep him around because my daughter absolutely loves her dad and I can 8767 t take that from here no matter how much I hate the guy. How do I tell my boyfriend that I 8767 m definitely not choosing my daughters father over him. And he needs to understand this situation?
Marriage is a big step. Trust your feelings and needs, which you apparently discount as asking too much. Get some therapy and you can insist on premarital counseling if you 8767 re unsure about getting married or leaving. Thinks won 8767 t get better after the marriage, and may deteriorate. Get counseling for yourself to value yourself and assert your needs. My books and CoDA meetings can help, too. My ebook, Dealing with a Narcissist, may be helpful in structuring confrontations with your partner.
After 8 years of dating in my 85´s following a divorce, I feel like an expert myself. I think singledom is an epidemic in our country. With about 655 million singles, something in our society isn´t working and we need all the help we can get. One piece of advice you give to women who ask why men behave the way they do is that it doesn´t really matter. If a guy isn´t acting the way you want, he´s not the right guy for you. Great advice!
Yeh I think the term emotionally unavailable is a nice way of saying yeh he will date you. And just pass his time with you but you aren 8767 t the one. It 8767 s hurtful to think that yeh a guy can be with u and it means nothing. But now I 8767 m thinking that rather than labelling them unavailable. I 8767 d rather look at it as. Yeh it 8767 s more Like im just not the one for him. It 8767 s easier to move on that way rather than thinking oh he 8767 s emotionally unavailable maybe I can fix that. He 8767 s just doesn 8767 t want me long term. He 8767 s happy to have me as some thing to kill his time while no other girls around. But as soon as another girls there I 8767 m gone. And usually it 8767 s an arguement he uses to do it then when he loses Interest in her he try 8767 s to come back And be nice. Took me a while I guess I 8767 m slow. But it really affects your self esteem. Best to cut them straight up as soon as u find out n not let them back in.
Hi, I have just met a guy on a dating site (it has been just on 5-weeks), we have still not met, but do chat on Whatsapp and phone each other now and again. My fear and insecurities rear their ugly heads as he is slightly evasive, though not emotionally so, he sends me beautiful messages and songs but I am not sure where I stand with him and when I ask he keeps telling me that he wants me in his life.
If he's motivated to change and gets the help he needs to do make that change, anything is possible, Tracy. But it can't come from you. This is his work to do. Don't beat yourself up because of what he can't or isn't capable of getting to. Change your thoughts about him, accept him for who he is, accept that he's on his own path of his choosing and then get back on your own beautiful path. What he does and who he does it with is only a part of you if you choose to make it a part of you. Practicing emotional detachment frees you to see him for who he is, and yourself for who you are. You only want someone who's truly compatible with you, regardless of what feelings his finding someone else incite in you. This isn't how love is ever meant to feel!
Yes, I will need to learn what my needs are and how to articulate the same. I do trust him but he needs to open up more. Also, I used to be emotionally unavailable myself and recently going through a job-related transition that is making me insecure. So allowing myself to be vulnerable and share my deep-seated job fears with another person is a big step for me. I try not to rely on him too much and yet feel the need to develop an emotional bonding. I suppose both of us need to work on each other and how to function together as a couple. And we need to work this part out first before marrying as a next step. Really appreciate your blog.
Chelle i feel just as strongly about this as you do. I feel turned off by the 8775 challenge game 8776 and all of the above that you mentioned as well. It has also 8775 Conditioned 8776 me to want men less and less. I get lonely at times but then I think of all the bs, heartache ,uncertainties, emotionally unavailable, rebounders, players whatever etc etc. And it just doesn 8767 t seem worth my time heart or energy, not to mention my youth.. t rying to keep up or figure another guy out AGAIN. Aside from a few of my long term male friends..dating myself and leaving men out of 8767 ve found I 8767 m much happier and productive. Im still and attractive and didn 8767 t see myself not having a life partner but .the options and the hoops just don 8767 t seem worth the risk. Who knows.
I had known previously that his ex girlfriend of 8 years had cheated on him. He forgave her, they got back together and then she left him for someone else. My reaction when I first heard this was, 8775 what a bitch, how could someone do that? 8776 But then I learned that this had happened after he was being emotionally neglectful to her over a long period of time. His parents were also divorced when he was at a age and from what I understand it was a rocky situation. I believe this is what his issue may have stemmed from.
7. A Real Charmer. Look out for the person who is quick to flatter and compliment you without really knowing you. Often these people "do" charming (as opposed to "being" charming) and are adept at communicating and appearing enthusiastic and enthralled. It's a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality they prefer the chase to the catch.
When someone has a child her kid comes first. Unless there is some dysfunctional situation where she is neglecting the child. My mom divorced when I was 9 from my then highly abusive father both alcoholics. My mom remarried some mean men she told me 8775 Blood is not thicker than water, 8776 as she neglected me and ran off with many men. I think the woman needs to first and foremost take care of herself and her child. Then dating a single mom would mean you are not first or second there so you are better off not dating one if you aren 8767 t ok with that and if you are jealous of the attention or time she gives her daughter. My step dad was jealous of any time I spent with my mom and he treated me like I was a piece of crap. It drove me away from her and them both. So, if you aren 8767 t a loving and compassionate kid-loving person don 8767 t even bother. It 8767 s sad for the kid and you won 8767 t be happy if you are number 6.
6. You never really divorce. There's always a lot of their emotions still invested in their ex-wife. They will say it's over but it's not. If they have children then that's a whole other problem.
7. You can struggle with feelings of being "second best" no matter how much he makes you feel special. You don't need to in your mind.
8. They are OFTEN emotionally unavailable because of the divorce and all they invested.
I have a woman use to date she is 76 with three kids girls at that she 8767 s a good person but with mixed emotions. I love her but she lives with her mom for now an its an bad environment for her an the kids drinking an smoking then bad language is being taught. They run around disrespecting adults and everything but the said thing is that her mother is telling them stuff like this she went away for awhile an came back to that. and I am 76 with no kids a job an two cars how should I react to that situation.
I feel absolutely fantastic. There is no better feeling than knowing you are putting your best foot forward and are in control of your dating life, instead of the other way around. Using Evan's tools, I was able to effectively show men who I am, make them comfortable and at ease around me and wanting more. The result was that I let the man of my dreams walk right into my arms. It still feels surreal, it's so great!
You can 8767 t win with a man like this and no matter what you say or do, he will defend himself against your 8766 accusations 8767 and challenge and browbeat you to take his view of things. I would certainly seek some form of counselling and even as a first port of call, visit the NPD group. Whatever you do, don 8767 t run home and tell him that he 8767 s a narcissist you have no idea how he will react and it could even be dangerous.
Tom the quick answer to you. People cannot always handle their emotions because, while being adult, they are not machines.
So the woman doesn 8767 t want to sleep with you after three dates? Tough. I think she 8767 s right personally, because she 8767 s sussed out the situation- or maybe she 8767 s into emotionless sex.
That 8767 s what some 8775 adults 8776 do it 8767 s called 8775 making out, making love, making mindless, heartless sex 8776 .
I 8767 ll drink to that, but in the meantime, I 8767 m still holding out for the man who makes love with his heart.
Reading a few of the comments on here, maybe I should go out with a new attitude.
Date men, not give a hoot about their feelings, sleep with them without a thought, and then move on.
It 8767 s a tough old world when a woman thinks like that.
But my God do some men deserve it.
This lasted almost a month, at which point we began seeing each other again. I knew what I was getting myself into- but I cared for him so much that I didn't want to give it up ( I don't think he wanted to give it up either). It was the same as it was before (he was always hot and cold. Wanted talk to me everyday for a week, then drops off for a few days) except he began to confide in me about serious issues in his life. I had hoped this all meant that maybe he had reconsidered his original feelings for me.
What I just read has been the last two years of my life. I finally ended it after much heartache, shattered hopes and some needed humiliation. And finally---after being "Friends" --- which turned to "Friends with Benefits" with him being the only one really benefiting. I am so glad for this article. I made up my own mind a week ago, but the stages you listed are the ones I actually went through to break free. And it does feel free!
I understand exactly where you are coming from, unfortunately my situation somehow the role is switch, I never dated a man until last child father with so much uncontrollable emotion , that not even a few females satisfied his craving for attention. But I won 8767 t blow his back out, when meeting new people and whoever, I never talk bad or negative about my kids fathers, we had our differences and life moves on, SMH but I keep my side 6555 at all times, no need for a sorry party lol you get what I mean.
Two months later, being with Doug gives me this "this is how it should be" feeling. And looking back at the last guy, whom I dated for just a little shorter time, I can't help but see the drastic difference. I've learned to be secure and an un-needy confident girlfriend. I have found that anytime he says something that I find irrationally hurtful, I just smile, take a deep breath and remember what a loving, caring, wonderful man he has been to me and that he'd never intentionally hurt me. Whenever I feel insecure, needy, and like I want to talk to him about how he feels about me, I just look at him and remind myself that his actions and the way he's treated me is proof enough that he loves and cares about me.