Posted: 2017-12-07 07:57
The fans are braying fatass shitheels who fancy themselves BLUE COLLAR EVERYMEN and hang on to an insurmountable inferiority complex despite witnessing one of the greatest sports dynasties that will ever exist, and the defining scandal that this team will be remembered for isn’t something kinda badass like Bountygate, but a years-long legal battle over whether or not Brady knew that Bawbee from Quinzee and Jawnee from Reveeah let some air out of some goddamn footballs.
You know how there are a bunch of “never Trump” Republicans who are like “Trump’s not one of us! I didn’t vote for him!” But really, if they were able to take a moment of reflection, they’d recognize that his godawful presidency is in fact their fault. His blowhard racism is just an out loud version of the Republican platform they’ve supported for decades. The same general process is replicated with us.
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Tell me EVERY Pats fan doesn’t look exactly like that guy. He’s got it all: the Casey Affleck stubble, the dead eyes. These are the sullen drones who have the perfect temperament to cheer on a humorless monolith of an organization that smothers everything and everyone in cold gray fog. The machine wins. The many suffer for the enrichment of the few. Goody fucking two shoes. I’m gonna get even DRUNKER for this next Super Bowl win of theirs. It’s my only diversion.
While the Pats were down 78-8, I told my buddy at a bar that I simply hoped they could reduce the lead so it was not a blow out. As the Pats edged their way back, I continued to drink heavily (beer and Jager). Suddenly they tied it and shit was on. I proceeded to get back to shit talking and ramp it up 65x (I probably said some racist shit, I am not even sure) to the point where my friends were visibly uncomfortable (as my gf told me the following day). When they scored the TD, I stood up on the table and gave two middle fingers to the three different tables (possibly 67 people in total, women included) I had been squawking at all game. It honestly looked like Conor McGregor and the bullshit he pulls in press conferences, except for the fact that I am slightly overweight and nobody finds me intimidating.
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What has always sucked: Congrats, Patriots fans! You are the official team of the alt-right! They’re all yours. More important, your team is now emblematic of an America that is distorted beyond recognition: a place where people are less revered than the bold and brave companies that maximize delivery and efficiency by phasing out every last trace of humanity and treating people like coal to be shoveled into a furnace. The Patriots can even get NFL players to buy into this shit. Players are like, “Wow, these guys really know how to get the most out of me right before paying me what I’m actually worth!” This team dangled Malcolm Butler all offseason and then decided to keep him in the fold, and of course he’ll still play brilliantly for them because NFL players know that you can either be treated like shit in New England and win, or be treated well elsewhere and lose.
I live in CA and I nervously look over my shoulder like I’m fleeing the mafia every time I leave the house with my Gronk jersey on. I pretend that I’m above other fans and their antics, when really I turn into a feral animal anytime Toooom Braydee completes a pass. Legit feral — this guttural growl and white frat boy fist pump exits my body and it’s like I’m watching myself be a douchebag but I can’t stop it. This is why this year while watching the Super Bowl everyone in the room thought I was a piece of they were right.
When the Pats won, I logged onto Twitter. I’d been avoiding that site since I had gotten dumped recently and didn’t want to pollute the timeline with depressed bullshit. The first thing I saw was everyone retweeting those goddammed Richard Spencer tweets about him loving the Pats, and that’s why rooting for the Pats sucks, even when they make you happier than you’ve been in weeks, someone’s still just gonna call you a Nazi for rooting for them.
Come on man, he sounds EXACTLY like Trump. How is this the same guy? Bill Belichick should fucking HATE the President. The President is a fat, lazy, weak blowhard. How is the greatest football mind in history hoodwinked here? DID HE NOT STUDY THE TAPE? And what business does Bill Belichick, of all people, have complaining about the media? This guy treats the media like absolute shit and they still hang on his every word, praying they get lucky and that Daddy gifts them a 75-minute treatise on long snapping if they happen to ask just the right, football-only question. He’s tamed the media like a dog, and he’s still bitching just because people wanna ask him about the Buttfumble? Man, fuck him blind. The Red Sox learned spying from this man.
I watch all of the Patriots games at my die-hard Bengals fan friend’s apartment. Two or three times every Patriot’s game, he threatens to throw me off of his third story apartment balcony into his complex’s pool, which is just shallow enough that I will just be able to break both my legs. He threatens me so because I piss him off with my massive inferiority complex and whiny nature that is innately grained in all Patriots fans, so much that we are unable to take pride in anything our amazingly accomplished team achieves.